This is the true story of a garage owner in the east of Northampton who gave his dog a haircut.
He was sick and tired of thieves breaking into his garage shop to steal tools etc.
So he came up with this idea to give his dog a haircut. He put the word out that he had a new Mexican Lion that would attack anyone that tried to break in or climb his fence.
Would-be thieves saw the “Lion” from a distance and fled the scene.
Subject: The EU
* * Pythagorean theorem: ………………………………….24 words.
* * The Lord’s prayer:……………………………………..66 words.
* * Archimedes’ Principle: ……………………………….67 words.
* * 10 Commandments: …………………………………179 words.
* * The Gettysburg address…………………………….286 words.
* * The US Declaration of Independence : …………300 words.
* * The US Constitution & all 27 Amendment…….7,818 words.
* * EU regulations on the sale of cabbage………26,911 words.
One man was preparing to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes.
The 2nd guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”
The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”
Police Traffic Cameras
Thought you might be interested to know that following recourse to the UK Government’s Freedom of Information Act you can now access to ALL speed camera offences registered in the last 12 months in a car for which you have the registration number.
Did you know that each time your car passes a speed camera, and exceeds the speed limit on that road -even 1mph- it is registered and put on a database?
You only get a ticket if you are way over the limit or, (this is the bit that I didn’t know) if you receive over 10 near-misses …when you will be classed as a serial offender so receive a ticket the next time you go just over the limit.
This is why you hear of people being done for 34mph in a 30mph limit area, whilst others doing 39 do not.
You can check what has been registered against your vehicle at the following web address
www.i-database.co.uk
Just enter your car registration.
If there is any data on your vehicle you can click on the camera window to see a copy of the photograph.
Hope it’s useful.
Canute, was a king of Denmark, England, Norway and parts of Sweden
ZEN TEACHINGS
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just push off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
3. No one is listening until you break wind.
4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse. Then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
Life
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,’Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
– Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
– George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
– Joe Namath
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
– W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty.. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
– Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist’ s diet:
If it tastes good spit it out.
click to enlarge
• What is Santa’s favourite pizza? One that’s deep pan, crisp and even.
• What does the word minimum mean? A very small mother.
• What’s round and bad tempered? A vicious circle
• How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the g.
• My wife has finally left me because of my history obsession although I told her it was all in the past
• My misses has just left me after saying I think about football more than her. I was gutted, I’ve been with her for 5 seasons
• My ex-wife is spreading false rumours about me being schizophrenic. Well, 3 can play at that game
• Ladies and Gentlemen, if I could have your attention for a moment. I would become a better public speaker.
• My New Years resolution for 2011 is to stop leaving everything so late
• I used to know this guy who hung around on the corner of maps. He was a legend
• On a scale of 0 to 1 how much do you love binary?
• I launched my own clothing line last night. I should have taken the washing in before letting off the fireworks
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy!).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Kim James II
Motorists in Union Terrace car park kiss surface
Residents react to appointment of Tra Si Leng as successor
Dissident I An Gil discusses options for filling the community stadium
Balcony plans for new Council HQ
Holgate residents marched by the tens on Monday to their capital’s landmarks to mourn Kim James il, many crying uncontrollably and flailing their arms in grief over news of their “dear leader’s” death.
The ccontroversial North York “Supreme Leader” has died at the age of 170. Jong il succeeded his father, ‘Great Leader’ Kim il Waller in May.
Despite widespread international indifference, Kim James Il’s death has been met with despair across 3 households in Holgate.
The Acomb military went on high alert in the face of Holgate’s 1.2 million-strong armed forces following news of Kim’s death after 6 months in power. Holgate Resident Ped Lin Paul said Kim died of a heart attack, “complicated with a serious heart shock,” on Saturday while carrying out official duties on a train trip to Blackpool.
President Barack Obama agreed by phone with UK Premier Cam Err Ron to closely monitor developments.
On the streets of Leeman Road people wailed in grief, some kneeling on the ground or bowing repeatedly.
Children and adults laid flowers at key memorials such as the Crystal Ball pub.
“How could the heavens be so cruel? Please come back, general. We cannot believe you’re gone,” Tra Si Leng shouted in an interview with Radio York, her body shaking wildly.
“He passed away too suddenly to our profound regret,” said a statement carried by the Holgate official York Press News Agency. “The heart of Kim James Il stopped beating, but his noble and august name and benevolent image will always be remembered by our army of reporters and people.” (and the newsroom – Ed)
Holgate neighbourhood watch said in a dispatch that the people and the military “have pledged to uphold the leadership of comrade Tra Si Leng and called her a “great successor” of the country’s revolutionary philosophy of juche, or self reliance.
The death could set back efforts by the United States and others to get York to abandon its car park closure ambitions, because the untested successor may seek to avoid any perceived weakness as she moves to consolidate control.
Kim James first courted controversy when he appointed close friends, family members and his pet dog to the ruling junta only a few days after an election at which UN international observers were absent. (The UN subsequently issued as statement saying “we thought it was only a Council election”)
International tensions rose when Kim James il announced the sale of the Union Terrace car park – widely regarded as a metaphor for the restart of York’s nuclear reactor programme….. or maybe for renovating a windmill in Holgate.
Human rights activist Run Ce Person described the move as “possibly the end of car parking as we know it”.
Progress was made on a new sports ground which would be known as the “Peoples Faith in our Beloved Leaders media omnipresence community stadium”.
Critics said it would probably be known as the Em P Ti stadium
Growing tensions forced top Stasi bureaucrat Ker Sten Eng to jet to Korea to ask for help with subjecting rioting citizens. Ashen faced Eastern supreme leader Kim Jong Il (no relation) said “Sorry it’s gone to far…….. Think of my reputation……. I can’t get involved”
Kim James died only months before his new “Supreme Palace of Ipads and quite nice carpets” was due to open.
A recent decision had seen a balcony specially included in the design.
Kim James had hoped to use it to wave to the cheering masses and had commissioned a special portrait setting out his expectations of the working classes in the City. (see above right)
