Council parade tomorrow (Friday) – Congestion on Lendal Bridge expected.

click to enlarge

click to enlarge

Some Councillors are apparently “processing” from the Guildhall to the “new” Council offices at Toft Green on Friday (11:00am). Details of the road closures can be seen by clicking here.

Quite why it has taken 6 months for the Councillors to find their way to the new building is a mystery.

A simple ribbon cutting event by the Lord Mayor in March would have cost little and allowed people to get on with their work.

There have been repeated assurances by the Labour leadership that the Guildhall will remain at the democratic heart of the City. Those assurances appear to lack conviction now that Councillors have sampled the hi tech luxury of West Offices.

We will see.

Residents can, themselves, experience the delights of West Offices on Saturday.

Those arriving with their full wheelie bin will be given an escorted tour of the *hear no evil” call centre.

The Council web site says, “Saturday 21 September from 10am to 4pm West Offices will be opening up for free public tours of the building, with the aid of colourful characters from York’s past to illustrate its historic connections, demonstrations of the City of York Hologram tour app plus some musical entertainment from CANsing, the council employees choir”.

Council Leader to open new York art gallery?

With work proceeding quickly on the refurbishment of the York Art Gallery, officials have denied rumours that the Council Leader will not be invited to the opening ceremony.

“He is the only one that we know who has an Ipad and we understand that he has already been practicing aerial shots”*.

The rumours started following an “incident” at another gallery in the area.

Council Leader to open art gallery

*we’re on the lookout for these- Ed

York Council launches first consultation hologram

Virtual Consultation Hologram JA

In a ground breaking initiative the York Council has launched the countries first virtual consultation hologram.

Users of the app will be able to move round a 360 degree animation of Capt James – Rimmer – Alexander

As the hologram will appear in your front room, it will no longer be necessary to waste time responding to Council surveys.

Instead you can have your own 2 minute personalised tirade at the Leader.

Residents will then be able to make their own selection from a range of standard responses which will be perfectly enunciated by the Leader.

“It’s the coalitions fault”

“ I have to make hard decisions”

“It was in our election manifesto”

“The last council are to blame”

“It’s outside my control”

“There has been a lot of misinformation circulated about this issue”

One advantage of the scheme is that it will be possible to see through the Leader at all times.

York Cabinet webcast huge success. Dulux offer sponsorship.

Following yesterdays first live “webcast” of a York Council Cabinet meeting, a major paint supplier has offered to sponsor future broadcasts.

Cabinet meeting

Cabinet meeting

Dulux are seeking to promote their new “dry in 2 hours” emulsion and propose to run a demonstration advert alongside the Cabinet film.

It would mean that residents could chose to watch paint drying for the full 2 hours or alternatively watch the Dulux channel.

Speaking after the offer had been received the Council Leader said, “I am grateful for the bid but I think that watching paint dry for 2 hours could well prove to be more attractive for most residents than listening to our debates.

Dulux ad

Dulux ad

I was concerned to learn that there would also be the option to watch the paint dry with the sound switched off which clearly would eliminate the rest of our potential audience”.

“No we’ll spend £30,000 broadcasting our thoughts to an audience which was estimated at over 200 at one point during last night’s proceedings”

Analysis of the viewing figures suggested that many of those who logged on were students undertaking an English language course at the Latvian College of Further Education.

Others had apparently Googled “political suicide speeches” before being connected to the channel.

http://www.york.gov.uk/webcasts

“Bury MPs bones in Leicester” plea

The row over where Richard III‘s remains should be interred has taken a new twist today with a new campaign group being established.

They want to see York MP Huge Nearly’s bones interred in Leicester Cathedral.

2013 - Sales start in Leicester

2013 – Sales start in Leicester

A spokesman said that this would be a lot closer to his constituency than he usually managed to get and “co-location with a King might appeal to him”

The call was echoed by Council Leader James “ragtime” Alexander who in a cell phone call said, “Yes that’s a promising idea and the sooner the …. Crackle, crackle, click. Cllr Alexander has no Parliamentary ambitions
.
In a separate development workers on the new York Minster Revealed project are rumoured to have uncovered the bones of a horse.

This has led to speculation that it may be the remains of “Prince” the intended mount of Richard III at the fateful battle of Bosworth in 1485.

Prince was ostracised by Yorkists when he failed to take up an offer of a “kingdom” for a ride on the fateful battle day. He later blamed his agent for extending negotiations unnecessarily.

Prince eventually made his way north up the M1 turnpike before collapsing with exhaustion in Deangate close to the stable where he had been born.

Other commentators have claimed that the recently found bones belong to “Dobbin” who used to pull a tourist coach through Deangate. He is said to have mysteriously disappeared down a large pothole when Labour were last in power in the City.

Now DNA tests are likely to reveal whether the remains of “Prince” have finally been discovered.

A spokesman from Tesco has offered to “deal” with the remains whatever the results of the DNA test prove to be.

Back to the humour

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, ‘Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?’

‘The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’

<

What that tell you? asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically Speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'


…………………
…………………
………………….
………………….

“You dumber than buffalo crap.

It means someone stole the tent.”

Far East call for help

York Politburo secretary Ker Sten Eng is to visit the Far East again. She will attend an international heritage conference in Zhouzhuang, China next month.

Last year the top City bureaucrat was in Korea for talks on how to improve York’s image, but the timely death of Dictator Kim Jong-il has prompted attempts to establish new cultural links elsewhere in the region.

Fu Dagorn, Director, Department of Village and Township Construction, Ministry of Housing and Urban-Rural Development at the Green party will also attend the conference, a move condemned by Cllr “Red” Sonya Sogi who compared the trip unfavourably to her weekly commute to Blackpool.
Meanwhile, in a separate development, it has been announced that the York Council is to get increased grant funding.

In a statement the Council Great Leader said,
“ I wrote to HM Government some weeks ago demanding an increased grant for the City. Unfortunately, due to a clerical error, the word “government” was omitted.

However, I received a reply from Buckingham Palace indicating that HM Queen would indeed be distributing money in the City on Maundy Thursday.

I have therefore arranged that I, and the Deputy Great Leader Tra Si Leng, will join with 86 other residents to receive the grant. Unfortunately this does mean that Her Majesty will now be a further year older than expected, but I have indicated – bearing in mind her advancing years – that the feet washing bit can be dispensed with quickly”

The Council has already allocated the additional grant to the Great Leaders Regurgitation Fund.

It is expected to be spent on a hi speed WiFi enabled fibre optic link between the bar of the Crystal Palace in Holgate and the Great Leaders new summer palace in Toft Green*.

*it’s only 85p so maybe a bulked up carrier pigeon would be better? – Ed

Council calls on government to provide powers to manage alcohol pricing


City of York Council has called on the government to provide local authorities with powers to manage discounted alcohol promotions.

Councillor James Alexander, Labour Leader of City of York Council, has written to the Minister of State for crime prevention and antisocial behaviour reduction, Lord Henley, asking him to look at strengthening local authorities’ regulatory powers.

In his letter, Councillor Alexander said: “I have become increasingly aware that there are significant problems in the city’s local night time economy resulting from ‘price wars’ between licensed premises (bars and clubs) offering reduced entrance charges and discounted alcohol prices….the damaging effects of this type of promotion on crime and disorder, public safety, and individual health, and the viability of local businesses is undermined by this irresponsible approach to pricing.

“Our experience in challenging such promotions is that venues in York are using a loophole in the regulations and stating that their alcohol prices are not ‘promotional’ but are a policy of the venue. York is not alone in its struggle to contain the damaging and costly effects of the lack of regulatory control in this area. I urge you to strengthen the powers of the local authority to take prompt action.”