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Humour week Caption competition 4

Subject: The EU

* * Pythagorean theorem: ………………………………….24 words.

* * The Lord’s prayer:……………………………………..66 words.

* * Archimedes’ Principle: ……………………………….67 words.

* * 10 Commandments: …………………………………179 words.

* * The Gettysburg address…………………………….286 words.

* * The US Declaration of Independence : …………300 words.

* * The US Constitution & all 27 Amendment…….7,818 words.

* * EU regulations on the sale of cabbage………26,911 words.

One man was preparing to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes.
The 2nd guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”
The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”

Police Traffic Cameras

Thought you might be interested to know that following recourse to the UK Government’s Freedom of Information Act you can now access to ALL speed camera offences registered in the last 12 months in a car for which you have the registration number.

Did you know that each time your car passes a speed camera, and exceeds the speed limit on that road -even 1mph- it is registered and put on a database?

You only get a ticket if you are way over the limit or, (this is the bit that I didn’t know) if you receive over 10 near-misses …when you will be classed as a serial offender so receive a ticket the next time you go just over the limit.

This is why you hear of people being done for 34mph in a 30mph limit area, whilst others doing 39 do not.
You can check what has been registered against your vehicle at the following web address

www.i-database.co.uk

Just enter your car registration.
If there is any data on your vehicle you can click on the camera window to see a copy of the photograph.
Hope it’s useful.

What’s on in York – November 2011

21 Oct – 5 November11 Theatre Royal Laurel and Hardy

26 Oct – 12 November11 Theatre Royal Blackbird

01 November 2011 Jerry Sadowitz

1 November at Clifton Library and Wed 9 November at Huntington School 5 week courses
TIME: Clifton Library 10am to 12pm and Huntington School 4.30pm to 6.30pm COST: £20 Clifton Library and Huntington School First steps Whether you’re an absolute beginner on a computer or a beginner who just wants to gain confidence before taking the next step, this course is just for you.

1 November
TIME: Various COST: Free Various Dig up your roots Computer sessions aimed at beginners will show you how to access and use resourses to trace your ancestors.

02 November 2011 Grand Opera House Ladyboys of Bangkok

2 November and Fri 11 Nov
TIME: Various COST: £1.50 Strensall Village Hall, Melbourne Centre, Church of the Holy Redeemer and Dunnington Sports Club Zumba fever goes gold Zumba Gold fever is hitting York through the Eng-AGE into Physical Activity Programme, with 4 new daytime classes in a variety of community venues.

2nd November and weekly
TIME: 12.15pm to 1.15pm COST: £3.50 ROKO Gym, Clifton Moor Breathe easy with new circuits class This class is designed for people with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, to help you exercise safely and effectively in a social group.

03 November 2011 Grand Opera House One Night of Elvis

3 November to 8 Dec
TIME: 6pm to 7pm COST: £5 per week Huntington Secondary School astro turf Jolly hockey sticks Back to Hockey’ for women has arrived in York! If you haven’t played for a while or would like to give it a go for the first time, now’s your chance.

3 November to Sun 6 November
TIME: Various COST: £12 one day festival pass, £20 all venues festival pass Across the city Lights, camera, action! Taking place across the city of York, The Aesthetica Short Film Festival will screen in a number of iconic locations all within walking distance of one another, combining the historical with the contemporary.

4 November2011, 6.45 PM Barbican John Barrowman
Tonight’s The Night
5 Novemberto3 Dec
TIME: 9.30am to 10.30am COST: £3 per week Huntington Secondary School astro turf Cardio tennis Cardio Tennis is for those wanting to get fit whilst playing tennis. No tennis skills or experience is necessary as the sessions suit all abilities.

6 November 2011, 7.00 PM Barbican Festival Of Remembrance

9 November 12/11/11 Theatre Royal Oklahoma
9 November- 30/11/11 Theatre Royal Storymakers Storymakers is a storytelling, drama and arts based session for 3 – 5 year olds and their mums and dads!
04 November 2011 Grand Opera House Jake & Elwood

05 November 2011 Grand Opera House Puppetry of the Penis in 3D

06 November 2011 Grand Opera House KT Tunstall

07 November 2011 Grand Opera House Tom Paxton

08 November 2011 Grand Opera House The Johnny Cash Roadshow

09 November 2011 Grand Opera House The Vagina Monologues

10 November 2011 Grand Opera House Dave Gormans’ Powerpoint Presentation

11 November 2011, 7.00 PM Barbican Imelda May

12 November 2011 Grand Opera House Judy & Liza

12 November
TIME: 10.30am to 12noon COST: Free Rowntree Park A step through time 90 years of history brought to life along a guided walk by local experts, The Friends of Rowntree Park and the Park Ranger.

12 November
TIME: Drop in between 1.30pm and 2.30pm COST: Free Rowntree Park Feed the birds for free Help keep your garden visitors happy this winter by making them a bird feeder to enjoy.

12 November2011, 8.00 PM Barbican Bill Bailey: Dandelion Mind UK Tour

13 November 2011 Grand Opera House Essence of Ireland

14 November 2011 Grand Opera House Fascinating Aida- The Cheap Flights Tour

15 November- 19/11/11 Theatre Royal The Merry Wives of Windsor
15 November19/11/11 Theatre Royal Troilus And Cressida
16 November2011, 7.30 PM Barbican John Mayall In Concert
Plus Special Guest Oli Brown Band
17 November to 24 Dec
TIME: 12noon to 5pm COST: Children £10, Adults £7 Bustardthorpe Field, York Knavesmire Santa Claus is coming to town This year, York families and visitors can discover the magic of Christmas at an enchanting new attraction set to be one of the top UK attractions for 2011.

17 November2011, 4.30 PM Barbican Zappa Plays Zappa VIP Package

17 November2011, 8.00 PM Barbican Zappa Plays Zappa

17 November 2011 Grand Opera House Roy Orbison & Friends

17 November 2011 Theatre Royal Bandstand Brass
18 November 2011 Grand Opera House Lee Nelson

18 November2011, 7.00 PM Barbican Beverley Knight
Plus Special Guest Omar
19 November 2011 Grand Opera House Mostly Autumn

19 November
TIME: 9am to 4pm COST: Free entry Explore Acomb Library Learning Centre Christmas craft fair Come along to get your early Christmas presents at our Christmas craft fair. Stalls include, homemade cards, glass ornaments, jewellery, stocking fillers and many

19 November2011, 7.00 PM Barbican 60s Gold

19 to Mon 28 November
TIME: Various COST: Most events free Various Faith in the city of York Celebrating Interfaith Week, an opportunity for York’s diverse and vibrant faith communities to showcase their beliefs, traditions and values.

20 November2011, 7.00 PM Barbican Kenny Ball & His Jazzmen, The Big Chris Barber Band and Acker Bilk & His Paramount Jazz Band
The Three Bs
20 November 2011 Grand Opera House Bill Bailey

22 November2011, 7.30 PM Barbican Circus of Horrors : The Ventriloquist

22nd November – 26 November11 Theatre Royal We Are Three Sisters

22nd November- 23/11/11 Theatre Royal Beef
23 November2011, 7.30 PM Barbican Joe McElderry

23rd November26/11/11 Theatre Royal Travels With My Aunt
23 November 2011 Grand Opera House Paul Carrack

24 November – 26 November11 Theatre Royal House of Bernarda Alba

24 November to Sun 27 November
TIME: 09.30am to 5.30pm COST: Free Parliament St, Coppergate, St Sampson’s Square and Barley Hall The Christmas count down has started… The highlight of Christmas events in the City of York start when the city centre is filled with the spirit of Christmas at our annual St Nicholas Fayre.

25 November2011, 7.30 PM Barbican Russian Patriarchate Choir

25 November 2011 Grand Opera House Al Murray The Pub Landlord – Barrel of Fun Extra

26 November
TIME: 11am to 1pm COST: Free From Copmanthorpe Library to Bolton Percy Winter warmer Get the blood pumping and enjoy the crisp winter air on this guided bike ride.

26 November
TIME: 11am to 1pm COST: Free West Bank Park It’s a bugs life Make a bug box for insects and give nature a helping hand within your garden.

26 November2011, 7.30 PM Barbican Four Seasons By Candlelight

26 November 2011 Grand Opera House Mike Harding

26 November 2011 Theatre Royal Saturday Night Fever
26 November 2011 Theatre Royal Ceilidh
27 November 2011 Grand Opera House Dominic Kirwan

29 November- 3 Dec 11 Theatre Royal A Midsummer Night’s Dream – Filter

29 November- 30 November11 Theatre Royal Stig of the Dump

30 November 2011 Grand Opera House Joe Longthorne

Westfield school community garden and allotments update

Westfield Schools Community Garden construction was done with York Cares (who co-ordinate volunteers from York businesses) and Miller Construction (who are building the new Council HQ and keen to enagage with the city – and have also donated gardening tools). The scheme will be supported for the next five years by the Big Lottery Fund “Sustainability/Get Growing” team.

The school has been keen to respond to the local demand for allotment places that are in short supply as ‘growing your own’ becomes more popular. There is the opportunity to expand the area under cultivation once the first set of plots are in full occupation. Pupils are parents are being engaged, and there are meetings for parents and carers on 1st and 2nd November.

Andrew Waller digs deep for Westfield