• What is Santa’s favourite pizza? One that’s deep pan, crisp and even.

• What does the word minimum mean? A very small mother.

• What’s round and bad tempered? A vicious circle

• How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the g.

• My wife has finally left me because of my history obsession although I told her it was all in the past

• My misses has just left me after saying I think about football more than her. I was gutted, I’ve been with her for 5 seasons

• My ex-wife is spreading false rumours about me being schizophrenic. Well, 3 can play at that game

• Ladies and Gentlemen, if I could have your attention for a moment. I would become a better public speaker.

• My New Years resolution for 2011 is to stop leaving everything so late

• I used to know this guy who hung around on the corner of maps. He was a legend

• On a scale of 0 to 1 how much do you love binary?

• I launched my own clothing line last night. I should have taken the washing in before letting off the fireworks