Humour week – Caption competition 1 (and a Christmas cracker selection)

click to enlarge

• What is Santa’s favourite pizza? One that’s deep pan, crisp and even.

• What does the word minimum mean? A very small mother.

• What’s round and bad tempered? A vicious circle

• How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the g.

• My wife has finally left me because of my history obsession although I told her it was all in the past

• My misses has just left me after saying I think about football more than her. I was gutted, I’ve been with her for 5 seasons

• My ex-wife is spreading false rumours about me being schizophrenic. Well, 3 can play at that game

• Ladies and Gentlemen, if I could have your attention for a moment. I would become a better public speaker.

• My New Years resolution for 2011 is to stop leaving everything so late

• I used to know this guy who hung around on the corner of maps. He was a legend

• On a scale of 0 to 1 how much do you love binary?

• I launched my own clothing line last night. I should have taken the washing in before letting off the fireworks

The Queens Speech

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy!).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

No waste collection over holiday period/Council offices opening hours

The Council have issued a statement reminding residents that there will be no rubbish, recycling or green bin collections between Monday 26 and Friday 30 December.

Residents are advised to refer to their collection calendars, which were delivered to all households recently, to find out what their collection arrangements are this Christmas.

For more information visit for details about changes to the rubbish, garden waste and recycling collections over the festive period.

If residents have not received a copy of their calendar please email or contact Smarter York at the York Customer centre on 01904 551551 for a new one (between 8:30am to 7pm weekdays.)

Household Waste Recycling Centres will be closed Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Years Day. The sites will be open as usual on all other days for residents to bring their excess festive rubbish for recycling.

Recycling and composting: After Christmas remember to take real Christmas trees for composting.

Alternatively, real Christmas trees can go in the green wheeled bins for composting so long as the tree fits inside the bin with the lid closed shut.

Christmas cards and non-metallic wrapping paper can be put out for recycling in your paper and card recycling box. Make sure you also recycle all your wine bottles, cardboard boxes, beer cans and sauce jars.

Residents can also use home compost bins to discard of any Christmas dinner leftovers or non-metallic wrapping paper, envelopes, burst balloons and corks.

For the latest news and information:
– follow the council’s Waste Services Team Facebook
– Twitter@ZeroWasteYork
– Or at the Zero Waste York website

Council offices will be closed over the Christmas period from Saturday 24 December to Tuesday 27 December inclusive and on Monday 2 January.

The council’s offices, reception points and call centre will close from 4pm on Friday 23 December and Friday 30 December.

Out-of-hours and emergency contact numbers can be found at or by calling 01904 551550.

The Minster’s celebration of Christmas begins with this, the first service of Nine Lessons and Carols. Tonight 7:00pm

The traditional sequence of nine readings is interspersed with carols from the Minster Choir (including a new commission from David Briggs) and Christmas hymns for the congregation.

A second service of Nine Lessons and Carols is on 24 December at 4pm.

Highly recommended but arrive early as these are very popular services

Funding boost as Sports Village pool takes shape

Kent Street coach park sold for £1.5 million?

Sports village pool - artists impression

The Press are reporting that the Council will receive £1.5 million for the sale of the Kent Street coach park. The site is to become a new Fire Station and a planning application has now been submitted which shows the station itself, a drill yard and a car park with 18 spaces, with a training tower also being built. The application is due to be determined in March.

The Council committed £3 million in June 2010 towards the £10 million cost of a new competition standard swimming pool which is under construction on land off the Hull Road. The Sports Village pool was originally opposed by Labour Councillors but they subsequently endorsed the project when they took office earlier in the year.

The receipt from the Fire service will mean that the Councils target valuation on Kent Street has been achieved. This will ease pressure on funding from the rest of its capital programme.
A contribution towards the Sport Village has also been received from the Sports Council although the facility is expect to break even on operating costs when it opens late in 2012.

The facilities to be provided at Hull Road include:
• A 25m x 17m 8-lane pool (including a deep end)
• Health and fitness facilities
• Dance / aerobics / martial arts studio
• Training Pool, 4 lane, 0.8m to 1.2m deep
• Externally, a 3G pitch

In addition a £2 million replacement athletics track will be provided as part of the Monks Cross Community Stadium development.

The Sports Village forms part of the expansion of the University of York. A 7 minute frequency bus service to the campus is already running. The Sports Village is located close to the Hull Road park and ride site.

Sports village taking shape

Last bus 7:00pm on Christmas and New Years Eve

First have announced that the bus service will not be running on the evenings of Saturday 24th and 31st December. In both cases the last bus will run from the City centre at about 1900 hours (see right for full details)

This seems a little early to us given the campaign to stop drink driving and the fact that City Centre car parks are always full on Christmas Eve.

Church services will still be taking place and the traditional public carol concert in St Helens Square will only just be getting going when public transport stops running.

Taxis will be at a premium and, while we appreciate that bus drivers also deserve a rest over the festive season, one wonders whether the Council subsidy – which is being paid to run some park and ride services on Boxing Day – might have been better used to extend public transport provision on Christmas Eve?

Boxing Day in the City centre is traditionally a very quiet day with most attractions and employers closed. Only a limited number of shops will open their doors.

First aren’t running their normal bus services but the Council is underwriting the cost of providing 4 buses an hour on Park and Ride services 3, 7 & 9 between 0700 & 1830.

City centre car parks are rarely busy on Boxing Day and we wonder why residents would drive to an out of town car park simply to get on a park and ride bus?

Still the buses (and City centre car parks) will be “free” (meaning they will be subsidised by taxpayers!)

North Yorkshire mobile safety (speed) camera programme for next 2 weeks

North Yorkshire Police will be carrying out mobile safety camera enforcement on the following roads between Wednesday 21 December 2011 and 3 January 2012.

· A64 Malton by-pass Malton east and west-bound

· A64 Seamer by-pass, Scarborough

· A64 Seamer Road, Scarborough

· A1039 Filey Road at Flixton

· Stoney Haggs Road, Scarborough south-bound towards Seamer

· A64 Malton by-pass east-bound

· A64 west-bound carriageway, Bowbridge Farm, Tadcaster

· Northfield Farm, Cobcroft lane, Cridling Stubbs

· Brayton Lane, Brayton, Selby

· Barff Lane, Brayton, Selby

· A61, Green Lane, Brearton

· A59, Beamsley Hill, Harrogate

· Jennyfields Drive, Harrogate

· Skipton Road, Harrogate

· King Edwards Drive, Harrogate

· A61 Leeds Road, Harrogate

· A59, High Street, Starbeck

· Northfield Farm, Cobcroft Lane, Cridling Stubbs

· Skipwith Road, Escrick

· A63 Hemingbrough

· Church Lane, Wheldrake

· Silver Street, Barton

· Leeming Lane, Catterick Village

· A6108, Darlington Road, Richmond

· A66, Gilling West

· A684, Aysgarth

· A6108, Middleham

· Gatherley Road, Brompton

The mobile safety cameras will be in operation at the above sites at various times during the dates stated. Cameras will not be in use on the above routes all day, every day. The above locations were accurate when this news release was produced.

The great and divine Leader – a tribute

Kim James II

Motorists in Union Terrace car park kiss surface

Residents react to appointment of Tra Si Leng as successor

Dissident I An Gil discusses options for filling the community stadium

Balcony plans for new Council HQ

Holgate residents marched by the tens on Monday to their capital’s landmarks to mourn Kim James il, many crying uncontrollably and flailing their arms in grief over news of their “dear leader’s” death.

The ccontroversial North York “Supreme Leader” has died at the age of 170. Jong il succeeded his father, ‘Great Leader’ Kim il Waller in May.

Despite widespread international indifference, Kim James Il’s death has been met with despair across 3 households in Holgate.

The Acomb military went on high alert in the face of Holgate’s 1.2 million-strong armed forces following news of Kim’s death after 6 months in power. Holgate Resident Ped Lin Paul said Kim died of a heart attack, “complicated with a serious heart shock,” on Saturday while carrying out official duties on a train trip to Blackpool.

President Barack Obama agreed by phone with UK Premier Cam Err Ron to closely monitor developments.
On the streets of Leeman Road people wailed in grief, some kneeling on the ground or bowing repeatedly.

Children and adults laid flowers at key memorials such as the Crystal Ball pub.

“How could the heavens be so cruel? Please come back, general. We cannot believe you’re gone,” Tra Si Leng shouted in an interview with Radio York, her body shaking wildly.

“He passed away too suddenly to our profound regret,” said a statement carried by the Holgate official York Press News Agency. “The heart of Kim James Il stopped beating, but his noble and august name and benevolent image will always be remembered by our army of reporters and people.” (and the newsroom – Ed)

Holgate neighbourhood watch said in a dispatch that the people and the military “have pledged to uphold the leadership of comrade Tra Si Leng and called her a “great successor” of the country’s revolutionary philosophy of juche, or self reliance.

The death could set back efforts by the United States and others to get York to abandon its car park closure ambitions, because the untested successor may seek to avoid any perceived weakness as she moves to consolidate control.

Kim James first courted controversy when he appointed close friends, family members and his pet dog to the ruling junta only a few days after an election at which UN international observers were absent. (The UN subsequently issued as statement saying “we thought it was only a Council election”)

International tensions rose when Kim James il announced the sale of the Union Terrace car park – widely regarded as a metaphor for the restart of York’s nuclear reactor programme….. or maybe for renovating a windmill in Holgate.

Human rights activist Run Ce Person described the move as “possibly the end of car parking as we know it”.

Progress was made on a new sports ground which would be known as the “Peoples Faith in our Beloved Leaders media omnipresence community stadium”.

Critics said it would probably be known as the Em P Ti stadium

Growing tensions forced top Stasi bureaucrat Ker Sten Eng to jet to Korea to ask for help with subjecting rioting citizens. Ashen faced Eastern supreme leader Kim Jong Il (no relation) said “Sorry it’s gone to far…….. Think of my reputation……. I can’t get involved”

Kim James died only months before his new “Supreme Palace of Ipads and quite nice carpets” was due to open.

A recent decision had seen a balcony specially included in the design.

Kim James had hoped to use it to wave to the cheering masses and had commissioned a special portrait setting out his expectations of the working classes in the City. (see above right)